Coming Soon 2016

coming in January an all new expose on my day to day life and what goes on in my life and no holds barred on anything and anyone so if you read this then prepare yourself for the coming year of truth and the real Kenny

Martika - Toy Soldiers 1989 (Original)/LYRICS on Screen

Olivia Newton-John - If You Love Me, Let Me Know

Mi Vida Loco

Well its been awhile and I have no excuses just that I have been lazy. So  much has happened. Its 5am in the morning and I can't sleep. I don't know what it is but sleep doesn't come easy even with meds, my head feels like a time bomb and I have no control over it. I don't even know when it started, I'd like to say about a week ago. Well lets see as of now I have fairly no one in family that I can talk to. So I now consider myself the only child left as if they have all gone, nor do I wanna connect back with them. I just feel that they cause me more drama then its worth. But the sad thing is that I don't miss them. They say blood is thicker then water but not in my case, because I have some great friends that make up for them. So this week has been hell, on Wednesday I had the day from hell. At work I had the worst panic attack with anxiety, so I called my manager over and explained that I didn't feel comfortable with working with the customers in their best interest and Steve was really cool about it and let me leave early. So my boyfriends mother came and picked me up, and on the way home some stupid bitch came and hit us in the rear end. Oh my G-d I started to freak the fucked out but when I got out of the car to check on the damage the week has been fucked up. Then there's this really fun job I love but I just don't know how long that's gonna last, it just seems that what started out as I would gt 10 to 15 hours has turned to maybe 6 hours and I just don't know if wasting the gas is worth it. But I really love it. I know I love it because the guy I work with is a good friend, but I just need to make it worth my while and I know its the summer and its slow hurry up you holiday shoppers LOL.


Now for the worse is that I think my problems is keeping secrets and I think its time for me to just to let them go maybe that would release all this pent up anger. But I'm not sure because I don't want to be treated any different by anyone, nor do I want their fucking pitty. So that make take a bit more hiding it out. Only  2 people know at work. Then there's this whole Sally Beauty get together that I wanna go to on the 24th but I don't wanna see some of the girls because I hurt one of my best friends who can't seem to forgive me I've tried for so long but to no avail so I think I need to cut my losses and move on. I love her and I've missed so much important things in her life that its too late. And she knows it. If I could change it I would so this will probably be the last time that I chat with any of them. After tis dinner on Monday and just concentrate on me and what I have. So if they read this no I love you but I don't have the energy to fight for this.


Now the other day I had a doctors appointment in Boston, to test for possible cancer and I am trying to stay positive but she did say there was an enlarged tissue and she took some out to run a biopsy but now it called the waiting game these two weeks are gonna drive me insane and I don't have a single friend nor family that I can just sit down and get that comfort from. I guess its true what that psyhic said that when I was born some twat but a curse on me stemming from my mother and father of course, and that I would have nothing but bad luck and I can tell you that's all I have been having since I became an adult.

I don't know why I am typing this because none of my people read this shit, but its my outlet to feel somewhat better. And you know it does. Well another thing is that I officially know that everyone is getting engaged and even though I am also engaged to a wonderful but crazy man who I love with all my heart and soul, our marriage will never happen. Which I think I am coming to terms. But now with no family and no husband I ponder the thought that what would happen to me if something serisouly happen no one has any rights. Which begs the difference when is it my time to be happy.

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

My strongest weakness

The keeper of the gates of wisdom

Please let me in

Cause I just can't go thru another heartache again 

Pretty lies and alibis

How could I be so blind

Now alone scared of staying

Slowly going out of mind

He was my strongest weakness

I surround him heart and soul

It's gonna be a long long time

Til I regain control

I'm still a prisoner

Held captive by his memory

He was my strongest weakness 

And I'm afraid he'll always be

I gave my faithful heart to someone

Who couldn't understand

How he held my little world

In the palm of his hand

Now he's gone and like goes own

So if this would ever end

Will I be afraid to risk all

Ever fall in love again

 He was  my strongest weakness

I surround him heart and soul

It's gonna be a long long time

Til I regain control

I'm still a prisoner

Held captive by hs memory

He was my strongest weakness

And I'm afraid he'll always be

He was my strongest weakness 

And I'm afraid he'll always be

I bet somebody gonna eventually say this about my blog but frack you it's mine to tell

This is people will say when they finally realize omg Kennys writing a blog and he may spilled thing that people don't know about me, oh I hate that bitch, and I be like just emptying all this data in my head so I can try and think. So get over it, you shouldn't have done whatever I might tell or not tell just wait your turn if I even get to you not everyone is really that important to me or even matters but I can say there will be dirt about some people that I used to know in a little city call providence mostly good things but I got some bad things to say like en vogue said free your mind and the rest will follow!!!!!

If I wait for just a second more nor I forget what I came here for. My head was full of things to say, but as I open my lips all the words slip away. Oh no and anyway, I can't believe you want to turn the page. And move your life into another stage. You can change the chapter, you can change the book, but the story remains the same if you take a look. For the time we've had I don't wanna be a page in your diary. For the good and bad I don't want to be a page in your diary babe. For the happy the sad I don't want to be another page in your diary. 

Perhaps if I'd held you I could win again. I could take your hands we talking maybe then. That look in your eyes, I always recognize would tell me everything is gonna be fine, your gonna be mine for a long time. For the time we've had I don't wanna be a page in your diary. For the good and bad I don't wanna to be a page in your diary babe. For the happy the sad I don't wanna be another page in your diary. For the happy the sad I don't wanna be just just another page in your HIStory!!!!!!!

Is it an abusive relationship?

Your not a stranger to me and you well you something to see you don't really no how to please. You say a lot but you unaware how to lead. My darling lives in a world that is not much, and old child miss understood every time. Timeless is the creature who is one. And timeless is the prisoner in the sky. Oh you is the beauty beneath the beast would you die of grieving when I leave. Two children too blind to see. I would fall in your shadows I believe. My love is a man who's not been tamed. My love lives in a world that calls pleasure his pain. We come from different worlds but we are the same my love. I never doubted your beauty of chains. I've never doubted your beauty of chains. Who is the beauty, where is my beast. My love there is no beauty without my beast. 

What I did for?

Well right now I'm just sitting on a plane at least 38000 ft and I'm just gonna talk about shit that I feel I wanna tell you. So I'll tell you how some of you don't realize that I never consider myself fully homosexual, I've been with women, but there was one that was very special to me always and will always still be that one. We had great chemistry, we've met a sleep away camp we both was working at one in lake como pa and she was from the United Kingdom so we had hit it off very well in fact we were inseparable that whole summer. We had the same days off, Sally was the most beautiful girl in the world to me, she was my one true female lover that still can take my breathe away. I do miss her, and I hope to see her when I go to England in 2016 for my 50th birthday. So back to us it was one of the best times of my life, she worked with the horses so we would go out for picnics in a nice secluded area and just bask in he glow of happiness. She taught me how to ride a horse and wow the sheer power of them is incredible they are a magnificent beauty. I being foolish said to her I wanna but the horse that we use to ride and she said your silly where you gonna put it when you get home, silly me she was right be axis I lived in Newark New Jersey and in the project too boot. So that didn't happened but we have something else that's special to us just like the horse was special. Funny as I'm typing all this goo goo gaga one of our favorite song is on my phone playing I'm gonna try to keep up and put in on here, and maybe you can understand our love: 

Finders not keepers and all that's just left is just reminders love in pieces but every dust are just memories that linger so long a heartache that keeps hanging on just wondering were it all went wrong and whether I can start on you oh but I could never miss you more than I do loving you like this so I could never miss more then I do loving you like this so I could never miss you more then I do. 

Beggars can't be choosers and I've had my share of backing nothing but losers. But if I search the whole world over from coast to coast your the one that I need the most if I comb this land from coast to coast who would take the place of you but I could never miss you more then I do loving you like this so I could never miss you more then I do more then I do baby loving you like this so I could never miss you more then I dd I could have love you any better I could have love you anymore because I spend each and every second each and every hour hoping you'll be at my door loving you like this so I could never miss you more then I do more then I do baby loving you like this so I could never miss you more then I do. What a fabulous song by lulu thanks for the memories..

Vacation Part 2

Ok sitting on the plane since 7:50 pm, they decided to swap pilots so they took out pilot for somewhere else and our new one wasn't  even on land and was coming from punta Cana. They said they'd be here by 8:30 ok so now that time has came and passed. Then I got a text saying well be leaving at 8:45...not now it's 9:17 and still nothing. I'm really starting to hate United airlines and now they want us to pay for direct tv. And we've sitting on a fucking plane with nothing #unitedairlinessuck never again. I was watching Buffy the vampire slayer but now they want money they are fucking kykes, so we are supposed to be leaving the stupid ass flight attendants are doing that stupid in case of emergency and where are the exits the retarded oxygen mask, the floatation devices and let's not forget to fasten your seatbelt. If something happens it's the pilots fault because he came from the Dominican Republic and then flies right back out to Fort Lauderdale. Omg the lights went out I think we're going to be taking off its now 9:27. Maybe they didn't pay their electric bill because lights off and we are still stopped position nothing no movement what so ever. Now the dumbass pilot makes an apology because of the delay and we are waiting for the other planes to move from behind us, bullshit they should now make them wait so we can go. And now it's 9:25 and we are backing up, really sometimes it sucks to go on vacation because it's always the airlines that fuck it up for you. And they don't inform you until after so they are behind in times. You know I was born and raised in Newark New Jersey but I wanna get the fuck out of here. Oh let me show you this beautiful pic

Isn't that bullshit oh well good thing I got my iPad and iPhone I can listen to music and the shows I got downloaded. Oh my 9:40 and we are taxiing on  to the runway this might be it yes I thought no we are gonna be going this time for sure, oops I think I spoke to soon now we stopped no wait now we are moving again and going fairly fast but not that fast where you know you're taking off!!! I'm so tired and the first lane has about 50 people on it, so me and Orlando have our own row of seats lol😄😄😄😄😄. Ok now we stopped again hopefully we'll be ramming on the runway I will try and snap a picture of Newark from the sky.  Ok we are getting reved up to go it's exciting here we go faster and faster and faster now the wheels are off the land at 9:48

Ok so that's a part of Newark oooowww one more because it's looks good 

And I could do what I want because it's my blog and my peeps don't read this anyway. Now we have turbulence right in the beginning this ride is gonna suck gotta take a break.  

Vacation

Well today is March 21 2015 and we are going to Florida to visit our girl Lola and her family. Well I got up at 8am to take Orlando to his last client before our vaca. So then we went to get donuts from honey dew omg almost $9.00 for a dozen donuts. But they also have willow tree buffalo chicken salad so I asked the girl can I get a little sample so I know what it taste like holy crap it was really good. So we went home from there and ate our breakfast and then we started to get ready to get settoleave he replied colour to my hair 

Looks really good. Then I cut his hair yeah I know I'm not a barber but I tried my best and he looks so handsome when he cleans up. Ok so we showered and just sat waiting for his sister Brenda to come and get us. So we have our bags packed and we left at 2:30pm to providence tf green airport, everything was so easy checking in and going thru tsa was a breeze. So we went to do our favorite thing when we start our vacation have a cocktail then we become relax and at peace with each other and the world, kinda of like we're on our honeymoon every time it's perfect he becomes the man I fell in love with. So he order a martini with three olives on a stick he thinks he the Puerto Rican James Bond lol, and me a blueberry martini, 🍸🍸🍸🍸🍸🍸🍸oh I forgot to mention that we were at Wolfgang Pucks, so we got the bill because they had no appetizer and holy fucking Batman it was $30.00 for 2 drinks. I was fucking in bitch mode and I don't care my Jewish side came out and there was no way I was tipping especially when they didn't really have anything good there just blueberry vodka, at least legal seafood they have it all. And I might add if that jerk wanted a tip he probably should have at least warn us how much a drink was. Shit a other airports I could get four drinks for that amount of money.

So now we are a bit hungry and went to Johnny Rockets and got cheese fries omg they were really good🍟 and we sat down and ate them, then they started to board our flight and I'm in 8c and he's in 9c but that's keel, so the lady that was sitting with me wanted to know if I would switch seat with her friend so they can be together and I said yes, but it was so funny we are on a flight that has only 2 kids and the little boy is coming up the aisle and then turn to the lady that now sittin in my seat and punches her in the arm!!! OMG!!! I would have fucked that kid up if that was me, and the lady waited until they passed and she said if that was my child I would have knocked his fucking little ass out for the rest of the flight. And I was thinking that wow that could have been me thank you Jesus. So now we are in the air and I am blogging about this as we head to Newark international airport. Well we descending into Newark my old hometown be back later.heres Orlando 

This song has a very emotional part in some aspects of me life

April 1996

Ok so it's just fringing horrible outsider. And so I'll go on with my story, so I got the job at Home Depot and met a nice guy who's name was Donald. So it was weird living in a new place especially for me seeing how I lived in new jersey for 27 years, but it was refreshing. So I really enjoyed my job as well as dating someone, because to be honest that was the first time I was dating anyone. I was not the dating person it was always wham bam thank you man, it was a never ending one night stands, I was a kid in the candy store especially when you go to New York on Friday and return home on Monday. But now I've moved to Rhode Island started a new job and started dating. So needless to say this will be the short version I may add bits and pieces of the story in depth at a later time. So me and Donald dated for over a year but things was great but I think as lovers we weren't connected but I'd like to think of us better as friends now. So we broke up wasn't a good break up but that's because I was angry at him, here's why because my brother was getting married on the 21 of June 1997 and Donald was going with me. I had a plan to break up with him the day after, but he got the upper hand and broke up withme the day before and still went to the wedding with me, but that was a long time ago and I know it was for the best. It's just that I wanted to do it and I hated that he got to me first I'm usually in control of this shit but this caught me off guard. 

So shortly after that I've met a new friend named Henry Martin Hall aka Martin we've became great friends and his partner Fitzgerald himmelsbach and we formed a great friendship  I have work the bars for fitz I met so many people through my years in Providence Jade love a.k.a. Mark Roy, Frank and don aka Laquita peron and cany wills duberry. Oh and then there was Bobby Bruno The one that got away Then there were several others like CCChanel there was so many drag queens to see so many partying with non-stop all the alcohol you can drink all the free drugs  and all the rave it was the best time of my life. I was bartending DJ  everything and was pretty well known in the community. I DJ one of the mostest test night for Union street station and the providence eagle, providence first night time pride parade. I've done the block parties, the walk of shame a lot but I had always my best friend with me and I really don't miss the lifestyle but I've missed my friends at least I thought they were my friends don't get me wrong I've talk to several of them now and then but there two that hurt me and that's Jade Love and Martin Hall. But enough of that this brings us to June 2001and the man that was meant for me used a cheesy pickup line " hey you got beautiful blue eye" for as long as I live I'll always remember how we met, I love you Orlando and always will now I am ending this but I'll add more to this story because there is a huge gap and wonderfully adventures to tell from 1997 to 2002 when I worked in the gay culture scene only so if you want to hear more stay in touch because I will not have any filters you will know me for who I am peace and love for now✌️😍

Not in that way

Not in that way

And I hate to say I love you
When it's so hard for me
And I hate to say I want you
When you make it so clear
You don't want me

I'd never ask you cause deep down
I'm certain I know what you'd say
You'd say I'm sorry believe me
I love you but not in that way

And I hate to say I need you
I'm so reliant
I'm so dependant
I'm such a fool

When you're not there
I find myself singing the blues
Can't bear
Can't face the truth

You will never know that feeling
You will never see through these eyes

I'd never ask you
Cause deep down I'm certain I know what you'd say
You'd say I'm sorry
Believe me
I love you
But not in that way

You'd say I'm sorry
Believe me
I love you
But not in that way

March 1996

Well it's March the 30th of 1996, and after almost three years since my grandmother died I decided to move to Rhode Island. I thought I needed a new change on life and there is where I should be with my brother Chris and his wife Lisa and my baby niece Kayla. So there I was driving the last of my stuff in my buick skylark that was given to me by my other brother Billy, on I95 North heading to New England not knowing what I was getting into as well as what was going to happen now. I was so filled with mixed emotions as much as I had traveled in my young life I had never moved and moved far away but I had to choose to move were I had family. With each passing sign saying how close I was to Providence, the more nervous I was getting. I didn't have a job, nor did I have one lined up. So I was thinking did I fuck up and just and a magical whim, something new and wonderful was gonna happened? Well after 5 hours of driving, and a quickie at the rest stop area, I was pulling into 16 Evelyn St in Silver Springs. And I blew the horn and was greeted with my loving family, which made me so relieved that they were there to greet me and my beautiful niece running and giving me a big hug and so happy that I was there. It was great seeing them, we unpacked the rest of my things and went inside, and then the dread hit I gotta get a job, so I decided that I would get some rest because tomorrow I would start my job hunt search and pray for the best.

So there I was in a strange state and went job hunting, I did very well for a 27 years old, I had several interviews on the same day. So I went out to celebrate and went to my first bar in providence, called Union stree station. It was a blast, had a wonderful time met some people and yes as any normal guy picked up this guy and went home with him. We had a wonderful night and then exchange numbers and then I Left. Well two days went buy and I ggot disgusted and decided to go back to New Jersey, took the train and got back to home and was crashing at my friends house. Then two days later I get a call from my brother and he said Home Depot called and some guy named Donald laliberte. Well I was shocked on both accounts so I called Home Depot and they offered me a job, so I had to tell a little white lie that I had to get to NJ for an emergency and I would be back in town in two days and they were cool with that. So I repack my duffel bag and headed back on the train headed to providence. And to my surprise I decided to call Donald and we talked on the train ride for two hours he thought I wasn't coming back which I wasn't but he was glad I was and we made plans to meet for dinner that night. For the rest of the train ride all I kept thinking was wow I've met someone who like me for me and not just the sex, which I have been find with I wasn't looking for a relationship. Sorry but my ideal of dating was go out scope and hook up no names no numbers and maybe if your lucky there might be another connection in the future. Well that's all for this part of my journey there will be more I promise. I hope people read this and leave so form of comment, much appreciated 

A sad Life What To DO?

I feel I can right about this and get it off my chest because there will be no fall back, but this is bothering me for sometime and I need to release. And the reason there will be no fall back is that no one reads my stupid blog. But I wanna talk about crack and how it effects me and my love ones. Just so that you know I am not on CRACK!!

It feels so right, what an evil treat.
Hunger pains gnaw yet you cannot eat. 
You'll never defeat this hell you've created. 
Is it everything you anticipated?
Your happiness faded, your world now black. 
Running endeavor forever, you can never go back.

The devil has you and will devour you whole. 
Lifeless and pathetic, you've sold your soul. 
You can't get out, you can't escape. 
Just one hit is all it takes. 
Sketching, crashing, uncontrollable shakes. 
Delusions, confusion, your heart now breaks.

The sweet taste you'll always crave. 
The addiction you'll fight until your grave. 
Random rage you can't explain. 
Guilt and sadness, forever pain. 

Awake for days without sleep. 
Inhale the smoke, smooth and deep. 
Inhuman pleasure as you release your breath.
That will soon decease and turn to death. 
Your tongue goes numb, such a rush. 
Tingling touch, your cheeks feel flushed.

Never enough, you need much more. 
Panic paranoia, shut and lock the door. 
Absorbed to the core and lost in thought. 
Laying on the floor waiting to rot.
Sought for help but nobody cares. 
Cold and scared, disgusted stares.

You're beginning to look like the rest of them. 
Frantically searching for your friend. 
Under the couch? Under the table? 
Another statistic; another label.

You greedily need
another hit. 
One after another, you cannot quit. 
A bottomless pit of sorrows and lies. 
Consuming your mind, you won't be fine.
Blinded by the crackling rock. 
Trapped in a room with an unbreakable lock.

You'll depend on it for happiness.
But the bliss you feel doesn't really exist.

Haunting you in your nightmare dreams.
Open your mouth to release silent screams. 
Help me please, take it all away.
Pull me back when I go astray.