Not in that way

Not in that way

And I hate to say I love you
When it's so hard for me
And I hate to say I want you
When you make it so clear
You don't want me

I'd never ask you cause deep down
I'm certain I know what you'd say
You'd say I'm sorry believe me
I love you but not in that way

And I hate to say I need you
I'm so reliant
I'm so dependant
I'm such a fool

When you're not there
I find myself singing the blues
Can't bear
Can't face the truth

You will never know that feeling
You will never see through these eyes

I'd never ask you
Cause deep down I'm certain I know what you'd say
You'd say I'm sorry
Believe me
I love you
But not in that way

You'd say I'm sorry
Believe me
I love you
But not in that way

March 1996

Well it's March the 30th of 1996, and after almost three years since my grandmother died I decided to move to Rhode Island. I thought I needed a new change on life and there is where I should be with my brother Chris and his wife Lisa and my baby niece Kayla. So there I was driving the last of my stuff in my buick skylark that was given to me by my other brother Billy, on I95 North heading to New England not knowing what I was getting into as well as what was going to happen now. I was so filled with mixed emotions as much as I had traveled in my young life I had never moved and moved far away but I had to choose to move were I had family. With each passing sign saying how close I was to Providence, the more nervous I was getting. I didn't have a job, nor did I have one lined up. So I was thinking did I fuck up and just and a magical whim, something new and wonderful was gonna happened? Well after 5 hours of driving, and a quickie at the rest stop area, I was pulling into 16 Evelyn St in Silver Springs. And I blew the horn and was greeted with my loving family, which made me so relieved that they were there to greet me and my beautiful niece running and giving me a big hug and so happy that I was there. It was great seeing them, we unpacked the rest of my things and went inside, and then the dread hit I gotta get a job, so I decided that I would get some rest because tomorrow I would start my job hunt search and pray for the best.

So there I was in a strange state and went job hunting, I did very well for a 27 years old, I had several interviews on the same day. So I went out to celebrate and went to my first bar in providence, called Union stree station. It was a blast, had a wonderful time met some people and yes as any normal guy picked up this guy and went home with him. We had a wonderful night and then exchange numbers and then I Left. Well two days went buy and I ggot disgusted and decided to go back to New Jersey, took the train and got back to home and was crashing at my friends house. Then two days later I get a call from my brother and he said Home Depot called and some guy named Donald laliberte. Well I was shocked on both accounts so I called Home Depot and they offered me a job, so I had to tell a little white lie that I had to get to NJ for an emergency and I would be back in town in two days and they were cool with that. So I repack my duffel bag and headed back on the train headed to providence. And to my surprise I decided to call Donald and we talked on the train ride for two hours he thought I wasn't coming back which I wasn't but he was glad I was and we made plans to meet for dinner that night. For the rest of the train ride all I kept thinking was wow I've met someone who like me for me and not just the sex, which I have been find with I wasn't looking for a relationship. Sorry but my ideal of dating was go out scope and hook up no names no numbers and maybe if your lucky there might be another connection in the future. Well that's all for this part of my journey there will be more I promise. I hope people read this and leave so form of comment, much appreciated 

A sad Life What To DO?

I feel I can right about this and get it off my chest because there will be no fall back, but this is bothering me for sometime and I need to release. And the reason there will be no fall back is that no one reads my stupid blog. But I wanna talk about crack and how it effects me and my love ones. Just so that you know I am not on CRACK!!

It feels so right, what an evil treat.
Hunger pains gnaw yet you cannot eat. 
You'll never defeat this hell you've created. 
Is it everything you anticipated?
Your happiness faded, your world now black. 
Running endeavor forever, you can never go back.

The devil has you and will devour you whole. 
Lifeless and pathetic, you've sold your soul. 
You can't get out, you can't escape. 
Just one hit is all it takes. 
Sketching, crashing, uncontrollable shakes. 
Delusions, confusion, your heart now breaks.

The sweet taste you'll always crave. 
The addiction you'll fight until your grave. 
Random rage you can't explain. 
Guilt and sadness, forever pain. 

Awake for days without sleep. 
Inhale the smoke, smooth and deep. 
Inhuman pleasure as you release your breath.
That will soon decease and turn to death. 
Your tongue goes numb, such a rush. 
Tingling touch, your cheeks feel flushed.

Never enough, you need much more. 
Panic paranoia, shut and lock the door. 
Absorbed to the core and lost in thought. 
Laying on the floor waiting to rot.
Sought for help but nobody cares. 
Cold and scared, disgusted stares.

You're beginning to look like the rest of them. 
Frantically searching for your friend. 
Under the couch? Under the table? 
Another statistic; another label.

You greedily need
another hit. 
One after another, you cannot quit. 
A bottomless pit of sorrows and lies. 
Consuming your mind, you won't be fine.
Blinded by the crackling rock. 
Trapped in a room with an unbreakable lock.

You'll depend on it for happiness.
But the bliss you feel doesn't really exist.

Haunting you in your nightmare dreams.
Open your mouth to release silent screams. 
Help me please, take it all away.
Pull me back when I go astray.

2014

Memories of 2014

It is now December 31 2014 and I know they have that stupid my time and facebook thru the years but this is my BLOG of my favorite times and little peek into my world of 2014 please comment and enjoy!!

this is Awlida, Orlando , Ma and myself in Las Vegas new years eve getting ready to party!!!

This is the fireworks display going off at 7 different buildis at the same time was majestic

Our day after as you can see we are tight.

I belive this was at Belliago botanical garden

What can I say love the hunks even if they are plastred on the elevator doors at the RIO

My little man loves cake.

some may say I have a drinking problem but I am right at home in a liquor stor of course lol

This was the best and last night I ever so my best friend again she has moved on with her life and thats kewl still love you babe..

Really pay phone do exsist in Canada

My favorite from Niagra Falls

Just us loving each other when we are not in New Bedford

What can I say I love me my White Castles!!!!!!!!!!!

This is from May when we went to Ohio my nephews and niece, Joey, mickey, and April

Me and my Aunt Delores

In Philly with my cuz Cindy

me and my niece Jennessa

The picture below is our 13 years together I know I don't say it or show it often but I love this man to death. He is my rock even when he doesn't know it

 This is my dad Thomas Smith JR

 Ma, Dimarie, and Orlando in June

My poor little Nico very tired

This is a special one because Xavier just graduted from school now off to voc he went

me and Xavier in P-Town that was a beautiful day

Hes never to big to be my baby lol

 Happy 14th Birthday Xavier

this was in Newport at Annies breakfast place

now this was at our friends Dianes wedding

Me being super chill as always

Look we our out for a drive and none of us look happy

just us goofing off love my boys

Now this was silly time

Just enjoying the good life 

he so happy he got to wear his new shirt

This is my Grandfather Thomas Smith SR

no words needed

love scooby doo

I feel pretty oh so pretty, hes my ham like it or not

our niece Chantelle

Our house for Xmas 2014

the gang having a wonderful dinner just before the crazy holidays kick i. Was a great night and really enjoy it with Bbo, Ron, Ronnie, Dave, and Orlando

This was the end of our fun night

my little man I'll turn him into a Doctor Who fan!!!!

What can I say Bow ties are cool

another sharp bow tie

whats that you still have another bow tie

Awilda, Ma, and me doing a shot of Cirroc 

starting christmas eve off now

me and Xman taking our yearly picture since he was one years old

love that yankee hat with the bow tie

Quatro amigos

Now christmas gets in high gear

oh the lovely Carmen tries to hang but whimpers out

And the final leg of this three hour tour most of you know or seen the drucken video of this moment but we are finally getting hitch

So inconclusion thats was some of what happened in 2014 and it ended on a high note and I hope next year will be the best year ever. I love you guys all and hope you have a wonderful New Years. This year I've said hello to new people and said goodbye to some old ones, but theres always room in my heart for new one so who ever you are I await your journey to the Wonderful Wacky and wierd life of Kenny  Peace