Not in that way

Not in that way

And I hate to say I love you
When it's so hard for me
And I hate to say I want you
When you make it so clear
You don't want me

I'd never ask you cause deep down
I'm certain I know what you'd say
You'd say I'm sorry believe me
I love you but not in that way

And I hate to say I need you
I'm so reliant
I'm so dependant
I'm such a fool

When you're not there
I find myself singing the blues
Can't bear
Can't face the truth

You will never know that feeling
You will never see through these eyes

I'd never ask you
Cause deep down I'm certain I know what you'd say
You'd say I'm sorry
Believe me
I love you
But not in that way

You'd say I'm sorry
Believe me
I love you
But not in that way

March 1996

Well it's March the 30th of 1996, and after almost three years since my grandmother died I decided to move to Rhode Island. I thought I needed a new change on life and there is where I should be with my brother Chris and his wife Lisa and my baby niece Kayla. So there I was driving the last of my stuff in my buick skylark that was given to me by my other brother Billy, on I95 North heading to New England not knowing what I was getting into as well as what was going to happen now. I was so filled with mixed emotions as much as I had traveled in my young life I had never moved and moved far away but I had to choose to move were I had family. With each passing sign saying how close I was to Providence, the more nervous I was getting. I didn't have a job, nor did I have one lined up. So I was thinking did I fuck up and just and a magical whim, something new and wonderful was gonna happened? Well after 5 hours of driving, and a quickie at the rest stop area, I was pulling into 16 Evelyn St in Silver Springs. And I blew the horn and was greeted with my loving family, which made me so relieved that they were there to greet me and my beautiful niece running and giving me a big hug and so happy that I was there. It was great seeing them, we unpacked the rest of my things and went inside, and then the dread hit I gotta get a job, so I decided that I would get some rest because tomorrow I would start my job hunt search and pray for the best.

So there I was in a strange state and went job hunting, I did very well for a 27 years old, I had several interviews on the same day. So I went out to celebrate and went to my first bar in providence, called Union stree station. It was a blast, had a wonderful time met some people and yes as any normal guy picked up this guy and went home with him. We had a wonderful night and then exchange numbers and then I Left. Well two days went buy and I ggot disgusted and decided to go back to New Jersey, took the train and got back to home and was crashing at my friends house. Then two days later I get a call from my brother and he said Home Depot called and some guy named Donald laliberte. Well I was shocked on both accounts so I called Home Depot and they offered me a job, so I had to tell a little white lie that I had to get to NJ for an emergency and I would be back in town in two days and they were cool with that. So I repack my duffel bag and headed back on the train headed to providence. And to my surprise I decided to call Donald and we talked on the train ride for two hours he thought I wasn't coming back which I wasn't but he was glad I was and we made plans to meet for dinner that night. For the rest of the train ride all I kept thinking was wow I've met someone who like me for me and not just the sex, which I have been find with I wasn't looking for a relationship. Sorry but my ideal of dating was go out scope and hook up no names no numbers and maybe if your lucky there might be another connection in the future. Well that's all for this part of my journey there will be more I promise. I hope people read this and leave so form of comment, much appreciated 

A sad Life What To DO?

I feel I can right about this and get it off my chest because there will be no fall back, but this is bothering me for sometime and I need to release. And the reason there will be no fall back is that no one reads my stupid blog. But I wanna talk about crack and how it effects me and my love ones. Just so that you know I am not on CRACK!!

It feels so right, what an evil treat.
Hunger pains gnaw yet you cannot eat. 
You'll never defeat this hell you've created. 
Is it everything you anticipated?
Your happiness faded, your world now black. 
Running endeavor forever, you can never go back.

The devil has you and will devour you whole. 
Lifeless and pathetic, you've sold your soul. 
You can't get out, you can't escape. 
Just one hit is all it takes. 
Sketching, crashing, uncontrollable shakes. 
Delusions, confusion, your heart now breaks.

The sweet taste you'll always crave. 
The addiction you'll fight until your grave. 
Random rage you can't explain. 
Guilt and sadness, forever pain. 

Awake for days without sleep. 
Inhale the smoke, smooth and deep. 
Inhuman pleasure as you release your breath.
That will soon decease and turn to death. 
Your tongue goes numb, such a rush. 
Tingling touch, your cheeks feel flushed.

Never enough, you need much more. 
Panic paranoia, shut and lock the door. 
Absorbed to the core and lost in thought. 
Laying on the floor waiting to rot.
Sought for help but nobody cares. 
Cold and scared, disgusted stares.

You're beginning to look like the rest of them. 
Frantically searching for your friend. 
Under the couch? Under the table? 
Another statistic; another label.

You greedily need
another hit. 
One after another, you cannot quit. 
A bottomless pit of sorrows and lies. 
Consuming your mind, you won't be fine.
Blinded by the crackling rock. 
Trapped in a room with an unbreakable lock.

You'll depend on it for happiness.
But the bliss you feel doesn't really exist.

Haunting you in your nightmare dreams.
Open your mouth to release silent screams. 
Help me please, take it all away.
Pull me back when I go astray.