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Sunday, August 16, 2015

Mi Vida Loco

Well its been awhile and I have no excuses just that I have been lazy. So  much has happened. Its 5am in the morning and I can't sleep. I don't know what it is but sleep doesn't come easy even with meds, my head feels like a time bomb and I have no control over it. I don't even know when it started, I'd like to say about a week ago. Well lets see as of now I have fairly no one in family that I can talk to. So I now consider myself the only child left as if they have all gone, nor do I wanna connect back with them. I just feel that they cause me more drama then its worth. But the sad thing is that I don't miss them. They say blood is thicker then water but not in my case, because I have some great friends that make up for them. So this week has been hell, on Wednesday I had the day from hell. At work I had the worst panic attack with anxiety, so I called my manager over and explained that I didn't feel comfortable with working with the customers in their best interest and Steve was really cool about it and let me leave early. So my boyfriends mother came and picked me up, and on the way home some stupid bitch came and hit us in the rear end. Oh my G-d I started to freak the fucked out but when I got out of the car to check on the damage the week has been fucked up. Then there's this really fun job I love but I just don't know how long that's gonna last, it just seems that what started out as I would gt 10 to 15 hours has turned to maybe 6 hours and I just don't know if wasting the gas is worth it. But I really love it. I know I love it because the guy I work with is a good friend, but I just need to make it worth my while and I know its the summer and its slow hurry up you holiday shoppers LOL.

Now for the worse is that I think my problems is keeping secrets and I think its time for me to just to let them go maybe that would release all this pent up anger. But I'm not sure because I don't want to be treated any different by anyone, nor do I want their fucking pitty. So that make take a bit more hiding it out. Only  2 people know at work. Then there's this whole Sally Beauty get together that I wanna go to on the 24th but I don't wanna see some of the girls because I hurt one of my best friends who can't seem to forgive me I've tried for so long but to no avail so I think I need to cut my losses and move on. I love her and I've missed so much important things in her life that its too late. And she knows it. If I could change it I would so this will probably be the last time that I chat with any of them. After tis dinner on Monday and just concentrate on me and what I have. So if they read this no I love you but I don't have the energy to fight for this.

Now the other day I had a doctors appointment in Boston, to test for possible cancer and I am trying to stay positive but she did say there was an enlarged tissue and she took some out to run a biopsy but now it called the waiting game these two weeks are gonna drive me insane and I don't have a single friend nor family that I can just sit down and get that comfort from. I guess its true what that psyhic said that when I was born some twat but a curse on me stemming from my mother and father of course, and that I would have nothing but bad luck and I can tell you that's all I have been having since I became an adult.

I don't know why I am typing this because none of my people read this shit, but its my outlet to feel somewhat better. And you know it does. Well another thing is that I officially know that everyone is getting engaged and even though I am also engaged to a wonderful but crazy man who I love with all my heart and soul, our marriage will never happen. Which I think I am coming to terms. But now with no family and no husband I ponder the thought that what would happen to me if something serisouly happen no one has any rights. Which begs the difference when is it my time to be happy.

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road

I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

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